Single parenting and the importance of Dads

I grew up without a father. Mom married a man unwisely, her third marriage, and when she was pregnant with me (and my sister, we are twins) he ran off to California to his pregnant girlfriend. He ran out on both my mother and his girlfriend, leaving behind three 'fatherless' newborns.
Mom married again when I was just in diapers. He died of cancer when I was six. She married yet again when I was twelve. He died in a car crash in which we were all involved, two weeks before I turned thirteen. She dated a man, ever so wisely, that she corresponded with from Vacaville Prison when I was 14. I remember when she would take my sisters and I on some of those 'dates'. These are memories I would rather not have.
My twin and I didn't even realize it but we were starving for a male role model in our life. Unfortunately there are many 'men' who prey on those who are starved ready to feed them poison. When you have a single parent the children are more likely to be preyed upon.
The one thing I always wanted was a dad; someone who loved me unconditionally, who would protect me from evil, someone who would hold me out of love, and scold me out of the same emotion. I never had that. Now to the more recent present.
When I married, one of the most important things I wanted was a family. I was scared, but still the desire was so strong. I was afraid that I would not be good enough. What if I was not a good enough mom? What if I was not a good enough wife? What would happen to my children? I never wanted a divorce. I never wanted to be a single parent. I NEVER wanted my children to grow up without a dad in their lives. If I could not have a loving attentive father at least I could do everything possible to see to it that my children had one. At that I failed.
After the divorce I chose to stay in the small town that my ex and his family lived in. I am still here, sixteen years later. Two of the three girls are grown, and having children of their own. The third girl is on her way to becoming a wonderful adult and is already an amazing person. They are all three wonderful. But, I did not succeed in choosing wisely a father for them. Nor did I choose wisely in the father of my son.
I may have remained in the close vicinity of the girl's dad, but that did not mean HE would choose to be a loving father.
My son's sperm donor is nothing more than that. He has chosen to never see my son. So be it. I share the blame in this. Choose wisely with whom you might make a baby.
I have made extreme efforts to make sure my girls and especially my son are around good Godly men, from strong marriages, with values I approve. I no longer date. They are all loved greatly, and I am keenly aware of the dangers that face them from coming from a single parent home. I am on alert and have taught them to trust their instincts when it comes to people. If, even today for the grown girls, they call me and are in a situation with someone, even someone we know and love, feel strange, threatened or the like, I will rescue them or have someone else do so without question or need for justification.
But, I know first hand that no matter what I do to fill the hole of not having a loving attentive father it will never be the right 'fit'. I know that there will ALWAYS be a father shaped hole in all of my children's hearts because of the choices the men in my life have made, AND also the choices I made in them. NO MATTER WHAT, my children will live with that.
Fathers, good dads are so very necessary in a girl's and a boy's life! I do not understand why anyone would choose to be single with a child on purpose! I view it as selfish and cruel. I see it from both sides and the view is not pretty any way you look at it.
I cried at a friend's dad's funeral recently. I didn't cry because he had died. I cried because I wish I could understand the life she had with her dad. It was amazing, not perfect, but filled with his love. I am so glad she had that gift. I just wish more people would understand and be willing to give that gift to their children.
If you have a dad, thank him. If you are a dad, do you realize how important you are? Do you take seriously the responsibility of the love you give? Be the dad that I never had. Be the dad that so many children are without. After all, don't your children deserve the best?




The heater in my home
A warm coat
Bath and body hand lotion
Chapstick
Cuddly blankets